Buy One Get One

My local grocery store has lots of "BOGOS" in their aisles- buy one, get one free deals. Instead of  getting just one bag of Tostitos with your purchase, you get two. Awesome, right? 

It struck me that emotional states often come as BOGOS too. Buy into one, and you get another right along with it- often the same one. But in our emotional life, the effects are not always so awesome, and sometimes, the price is high. 

For example, if I notice anxiety arising, I might feel anxious about my anxiety. If anger is present, I might get angry at myself for being angry. 

As the psychologist Albert Ellis put it, "If you look at what you are doing, you can often discover that you are making yourself anxious about your anxiety, depressed about your depression, and guilty about your rage. You  really are talented at upsetting yourself!" (from the book, How to stubbornly refuse to make yourself miserable about anything, yes anything). 

The problem is that the secondary emotion, or  reaction, often amplifies or prolongs the pain of the first emotion. Experts theorize that most emotions begin to wane after about 90 seconds. It's our thinking and ruminating that keep an emotion going. 

There's a wonderful parable- one of my favorites-  from ancient India called  the "Two arrows." In the story, a man is shot with an arrow. Soon after, he is shot with another arrow, magnifying his  pain immensely. The "second arrow" in the story is a metaphor for our reactions- the way we can magnify the inevitable pains of life, both mental and physical. For example, recently I was  feeling low- my wife was out of town, the weather seemed stuck in a perpetual freeze, the bill at my auto repair was high. I was tired, my dog wouldn't talk to me. 

In my old days, I would have added fuel to these feelings with my thoughts. I'd start bumming out about my state, resisting it, maybe cursing all these events. I might go get a drink. 

But over time I have learned I can change  my response: I might use some compassionate self-talk, practice acceptance, and then figure out what I could do till things passed. Meditation helps to interrupt these downward spirals. 

This "Bogo effect" can work in groups too. If , for example, my class is happy and calm, my emotions feel similar. If a class is agitated and disregulated, I might start feeling  anxious myself. A markedly angry student can arouse anger in me. And if I'm not careful, my reaction can escalate a situation further. The intense emotion of one person can have an enormous impact.  Psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter calls this emotional contagion or EC. In a post for the online Psychology Today, she says, " ....this process in which a person or a group influences the emotions and affective behavior of another person or group through the conscious or unconscious induction of emotions is referred to as emotional contagion."

This effect on a group is  masterfully portrayed in the short film, Merci, by Christine Rabette. A man walks onto a train and within minutes, his emotional state is transferred to the entire car. A great, short allegory- I've shown it in my classes several times. 

It takes self-awareness and intentionality not to  be sucked into negative emotional states. I still sometimes fall into a BOGO.  But with a bit of effort, we can find that  space of choice and decide for ourselves how we will respond to the inevitable "slings and arrows" of life.