Trying too hard

enso by Tim Iverson

Perfectionism is one of the  hazards  of teaching. Most  teachers I know work extremely hard, holding themselves to high standards, as well as their students. At times, this is a good

thing, while at  other times, it can become too much. The website Health.com ranks teaching as one of the 10 professions with high rates of depression. Expectations keep rising across the board, with many teachers struggling with heavy loads. 

And unfortunately, mindfulness can  feed into this process....

"I should be mindful all the time." 
"I need to always be happy and kind."
"I should be more present"
"I'm not doing this right." 

With a personal mindfulness practice, we create the intention to be more kind and aware. Who could argue with that? But when mindfulness becomes  a strain, an ideal or another  "should",  it becomes an additional means of self-criticism and pressure. And that's not what mindfulness is all about.  

I struggled with this  for a long time.  And, it tied in with my other perfectionist tendencies as a  teacher: in my grading, in  perfectly designed assignments, perfectly differentiated.... Always being perfectly in control in the classroom. Throw in the pressure now to be "mindful", and it's all too much. 

I brought this up with one of my meditation teachers years ago, and she simply said, "Don't be mindful all the time"... This was puzzling advice coming from a seasoned mindfulness instructor, but now makes more sense to me. 

I still remind myself to be mindful, especially when I need to be smack dab in the present: driving my car, being in front of the class, in a tense conversation...the "coming back" of mindfulness is a wonderful gift. (One of the other meanings of mindfulness is "remembering", as in remembering what you are doing, or what your objective is.)

Other times, though, I  let my mind just be, exploring what it wants to explore, going where it wants to go. Letting it wander. 

It's like walking the dog. Sometimes I hold the leash firmly, while other times, I ease up. And in certain contexts, I let him run free to explore as he wants. ...And yet, I keep a gentle eye on him. 

Bhante Gunaratana says in his classic work, Mindfulness in Plain  English, "Don’t strain: Don’t force anything or make grand exaggerated efforts......There is no violent striving. Just let your effort be relaxed and steady."

I also like what Jon Kabat-Zinn  says in his book, Full catastrophe living: "Although it takes a lot of work and energy of a certain kind, ultimately meditation is a non-doing. It has no goal other than for you to be yourself." 

Blending this sense of effort, with ease and letting go, is one of the real balancing acts of a mindful life.